Do you think that you love others well?  Do you love people how they want to be loved or do you show them love based on how you feel and accept love?  My February challenge was all about sharing the love, not just to the loveable, but to those that are prickly and that we really don’t like. That’s that hard part…loving the unlovable. Maybe part of the reason is you just don’t understand them? Maybe the language you speak is not something they hear. The challenge is to attempt to see some good in them, after all God does. I confess that there are people in my life that I have a very hard time thinking of anything positive about them. They are difficult to love. I need to be more conscious of how I feel about them, and still know that they have value, despite their actions, lifestyle, and negative behaviors. I need to find something positive in them and love them.

For example, do you give compliments to people as a show of your love for them?  Do you affirm their actions, say you’re proud of them and make sure that you speak words of love to them?  Or do you tend to give hugs, want PDA or are gifts, little gestures what floats your boat?  Or do you take out the trash and help others in need to demonstrate love toward them. Do you reserve these actions for only the lovable? Or do you go out of your way to compliment, speak a word of encouragement, or show affection to someone who is toxic in your life? I am not saying look the other way, embrace their poor choices, or accept their ungodly lifestyles. I am saying, we all need to find ways to love the unlovable as Jesus did. We need to realize we didn’t create their problems; we cannot change their problems and we cannot change them. Only God can change them, we are just called to love them. Some people are so toxic that you need to keep your distance, and love from afar. Forgive, but not forget, release them into God’s hands to be changed. Pray for them as an act of love that can be done without putting yourself back into their toxic worlds.

You may be presuming or assuming that the person you are “loving” receives what you are putting out and that they feel loved.  It may be that you are sending the wrong signals to them.  The act of taking out the recycling is a nice gesture, but to someone who needs affection, they feel starved for a hug and don’t even see the service as an act of love.  They may not even acknowledge it, which makes the person who provided the service feel unloved, ignored, and mistreated.   The way we express love and the way we receive love is dependent on our own unique make-up. 

Gary Chapman has been married for over 50 years; and is also a pastor, author, and speaker.  His book the 5 love languages outlines the five love languages.  They are: Words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical tough.   “Taking the time to learn and really understand your partner’s primary love language, which is often different than your own, can improve communication and strengthen your bond.” – Gary Chapman as reported in the Huff Post article by Kelsey Borresen updated August 29, 2020.

Here are a few ways that you can say I love you to someone who needs word of affirmation:

·         Thank them for cooking a tasty meal

·         Congratulate them for hitting a weight loss milestone or achieving a workout goal

·         Leave an encouraging note when they have a big presentation at work

·         Remind them how capable they are when they doubt themselves

·         Compliment their outfit, hair, or something else about their appearance

·         Hide a card with a loving message in their suitcase when they’re going on a trip

·         Send them a text just to say you were thinking of them

 

Those that prefer undivided attention or quality time will also be interested in:

·         Have coffee together before work

·         After work, set aside 10 minutes to catch up — no phones allowed

·         Plan a date night

·         Always maintain eye contact when you’re having a conversation

·         Take a walk together

·         Go to bed at the same time, if possible

·         Plan a staycation

 

Those that love thoughtful gifts and the effort put into a gift also love surprises. Other ways to love them well are:

·         Buy them concert tickets when their favorite band is in town

·         Peruse their Pinterest page and purchase an item they’ve pinned

·         After a trip, bring home a souvenir or trinket that made you think of them

·         Order their favorite childhood candy or snack ― bonus points if it’s a regional treat or something that has since been discontinued

·         Keep a note in your phone of specific things they mention wanting or needing so you have a list of gift ideas for birthdays, anniversaries, holidays or just because

 

People that prefer an act of service to feel loved and appreciated are satisfied by someone doing anything to ease the burden of responsibility they feel. Other ways they may feel oved are:

·         Get their car washed

·         Pick up their dry cleaning

·         Fill up their gas tank

·         Do their laundry

·         Pack their lunch

·         If they need to bring a present to a party or event, help by picking it out or purchasing it for them

The last love language per Gary Chapman is physical touch.  When someone speaks this love language they thrive on any type of physical touch.  Kissing, hugging, being close and touching and hand holding are examples. Other ways to make someone who needs physical touch to feel loved are:

·         Cuddle while you’re watching TV

·         Always kiss hello and goodbye

·         Rub their neck after a long day

·         Treat them to a back rub

·         Gently rest your hand on their lower back at a party

·         Touch toes while you’re lying-in bed

·         Hold hands on a walk

·         Put your arm around them at a concert

 

For more on the five love languages, head over to Chapman’s site.