DO I ever! Maggie Ciocco, MS, RN, BC states, “Bosses who are bullies don’t want you to succeed because they will lose their power over you; they will do anything to impede your success, make you miserable, and block your momentum. But why does a boss gaslight? Because they want you to bend their will, to make you, your job or to get fired.”

The term gaslighter is not new, although it has come into focus now more than ever. The term originated in 1938, from a play where a husband slowly manipulated his wife into believing she was going mad. Psychology Today (January 22, 2017) talks about how a gas lighter acts as they do to gain more power. It is a common technique of “abusers, dictators, narcissists and cult leaders.” says Stephanie Sarkis, PhD.

If you’ve ever worked under the clutches of a gas lighter, it is not your fault. They, as Maggie said are bullies. They will attack even worse if you challenge them. Their main mission is to confuse and frustrate their employee. Ultimately, “They want you to be discredited in the eyes of your fellow employees and supervisors. You are not “allowed” to have any ideas, thoughts, or actions different from theirs; your existence at your place of work is a problem for them.” (taken from Daily Nurse, the pulse of nursing, Maggie Ciocco author).

I was talking with another friend who was experiencing the same treatment when our mutual company merged with a larger organization. It was making her job so unbearable that she’d started searching for a new job, and did leave the company. The loyalty we both had was destroyed by people who would deny what they said, blatantly lie and make snide comments over time to wear you down. They also operate with a different set of rules for different employees. Gossip is frequent, because they want to discredit you in other people’s eyes and their actions do not match their words.

The Urban dictionary calls gaslighting a, “form of intimidation or psychological abuse”. So why do people gaslight? From all the reading I have done, it points back to their need for domination and can stem from an anti-social personality or other issues. They are abusers, so if you have been the subject of a gaslighters abuse, get help. You can try to document their behavior and talk to HR, but most times because of their power position, the employee will be to blame and let go. Anyone can be a target. My friend was because she was so mild mannered and the abuser thought they could intimidate her. I was abused because of a disability. When I attempted to tell her my concerns, she would either refuse to listen or pretend not to understand them and turn it on me. I never wanted to be in a room alone with her as she was verbally and emotionally abusive. Without anyone around, she could do as she wanted to do for her own needs of power and control.

I realize that she needs to get help. That defending myself would not work as she was delusional. I have realized her behaviors are because of her own issues. I encourage you if you are suffering under a boss like this, get help. It is not your fault. You may need to seek therapy, and get another job as employers and often blind to this maltreatment. They tend to side with those in power, verses an employee.

You can recover from the abuse. Eliminate the abuser from your life. Do not look for closure. Forgive them to release yourself, and rebuild your mental health with help. You are wonderful, you are amazing and your deserve so much better. That is really the reason you were gaslight…because those people resent you and target you.

I found a great blog post from The Psychology Group that discusses gaslighting. They said, “Gaining awareness of this type of psychological abuse is a crucial element of healing and moving forward. Being able to discern or recognize that someone is doing this to you is an important first step.” They recommend going to a trusted individual/friend to discuss it. Like my friend did with me in the above story. It is important to get feedback on what you have been going through and get someone else’s perspective. It’s then time to recover trust in yourself and your intuition. This might require professional treatment and/or support groups to recover trust and to feel empowered to speak and that you have basic human rights.

Here are their tips on how to communicate with a gaslighter:

“I realize you disagree with me, and this is how I see it”

• “I see that your perspective is different from mine, I’m not imagining things”

• “Name-calling is hurtful to me, I’m finding it hard to hear you when you talk like that”

• “I hear that your intention was to make a joke, and the impact was hurtful”

• “My feelings are my feelings; this is how I feel”

• “This is my experience and these are my emotions”

• “It sounds like you feel strongly about that, and my emotions are valid too”

• “I feel like I’m not being heard, and I want some space”

• “I understand that this is what’s best for me” or “I know what’s best for me”

• “This is what I want and what I need right now”

• “I’m making this decision for myself”

• “I changed my mind” or “I’m not responding to that”

• “I want to figure things out for myself”

• “It’s hard for me to stay engaged in this conversation, I’ve already said no several times”

• “I’m finding it difficult to keep discussing this”

• “I have heard your point of view many times now, and I still don’t agree with it,” “I’d like to take a break from this conversation”

• “I don’t like how much energy I’m putting into proving my perspective and it would mean a lot to me if you gave me the benefit of the doubt”

• “I get that you’re mad, and I’m angry too”

When you are practicing these statements, be mindful of the way you convey the message. Being able to communicate in an assertive manner can make a big difference regarding how the other person receives the message and also how you feel afterwards. 

Remember - YOUR emotions are valid. Remember a gaslighter - the perpetrator is “an expert at identifying the supposed deficiencies in another person and hardly ever acknowledges or takes personal responsibility for the impact of their own statements or behavior.” says Dr. Gabiela Sandurni Rodriguez who is a licensed psychologist at The Psychology Group.

References:

1. De Canonville, C. L. (n.d.) The effects of gaslighting in narcissistic victim syndrome. Retrieved from https://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome

2. Firth, S. (n.d.). What is gaslighting? The Week. Retrieved from http://theweek.com/article/index/239659/what-is-gaslighting

3. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Gaslighting.html

4. Tracy, N. (n.d.). Gaslighting definition, techniques and being gaslighted. Healthy Place. Retrieved from http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/emotional-psychological-abuse/gaslighting-definition-techniques-and-being-gaslighted

5. What Is Gaslighting? (2014, May 29). Retrieved from http://www.thehotline.org/2014/05/what-is-gaslighting

6. 7 signs you are a victim of gaslighting. (2015, July 2). The Good Men Project. Retrieved from https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/seven-signs-you-are-a-victim-of-gaslighting-fiff

7. Gaslighting: How to Recognize it and What to Say When it Happens. (2020). The Psychology Group. Retrieved from: https://thepsychologygroup.com/gaslighting-how-to-recognize-it-and-what-to-say-when-it-happens/